dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
