and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
