my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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