he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
