dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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