Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
