Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
