maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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