Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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