I got her a Nickelback box set.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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