she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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