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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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