beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
