Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
