11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
