You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
