I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
