if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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