also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
the condom got lost in my hair
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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