I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
