Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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