i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Randomize
