So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
