She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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