Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
