The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I can't turn off my feet"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
