im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
