Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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