Don't make out with my wife yet
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
