Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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