There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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