Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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