just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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