Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
