I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so explain again why im purple
no
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize