i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
