I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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