Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
