that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
