I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
