four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
