I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
