i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul
Not half as good looking as paul
I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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