hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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