I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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