I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
