This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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