youre lurking in front of me
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
