I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
