You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
is that a dick in a sweater?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
