Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
