I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
