DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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